Hello, everybody! I’m Heidi Cum, and this is Project Sexway. As you know, we are down to our last two sextestants. In this episode, you’ll see Harry Gunn meeting with both of them in their homes, enjoying a kiss and cuddle with their loved ones, and advising them on their strengths and weaknesses going into the final battle. And it probably won’t surprise you to hear there will be a final twist. For now, let’s see what’s happening with Melinda and Frank. Will Frank learn to control his tongue? Let’s check in with Harry.
Hello, Project Sexway fans. I’m here in Minnesota, waiting on Melinda’s doorstep. Now I’ll just, as it were, ring her bell. Hello, Melinda, and who’s your friend? It’s lovely to meet you, Vlad, and that’s a stunning cock-ring – who designed it? Melinda, remember that ring when it’s time to make use of the Sweet Everythings accessory wall during the final competition. You two look a bit flushed, are you all right? Perhaps I caught you in the middle of something. What’s that? You’d like me to be in the middle? Well, I don’t have to be asked twice. Let me just get out of my impeccable Brooks Brothers suit – there, that’s better.
Now I’m in Austin, Texas, visiting with Frank. Frank, you’re looking well, all pumped up for the final, are you? I can see – and feel – that you are. I’m glad to note that you seem to have your confidence back, as well you should. I’ll see you and Melinda back in the studio bedroom early tomorrow morning and we’ll reveal the final twist of this season’s finale.
Harry, before we tell Frank and Melinda about their final challenge – which will be worth the wait, believe me – let’s take a look back at some of the standout moments from this season. We can never get enough of the look on Naomi’s face during the Dollar Store challenge when she discovered an ingenious use for the base of a Tweety Bird electric toothbrush. And here’s a moment from our Outdoor Survival challenge. We see Kevin administering to Carlos in the hammock just as – wait for it – yes, there’s the flip-over. Let’s have that again in slow-motion, shall we? Our cameraman said afterward he’d never seen an arc like that in all his experience.
In this clip we see how, in the Museum challenge, Tasha and Terry impressed us with their daring use of a Henry Moore statue in the museum courtyard and just barely found their bliss before a guard chased them off the property. The legal battles after that one weren’t much fun, let me tell you. One last clip: in the Menage-a-Trois challenge, reigning champion Cicily decided on a Triple-V arrangement. None of us wanted to untie the Gordian knot she created with Jen and LaShonda.
All right, at last, it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for all season. Melinda, Frank, please look inside your silk pillowcases. There you’ll find the name of the partner assigned to you for the final challenge.
No, there’s no mistake. That’s right. Melinda and Frank have been partnered with… each other! For the first time on Project Sexway, our final sextestants will be competing both with and against… each other.
Sextestants, you know what that means. On our show, sex is all about making your partner look and feel fantastic. Remember our surprise visit in episode two from the Dance with the Stars judges? Remember what they said – and did – to make their partners look great, and you’ll succeed in this challenge.
Heidi, it appears Melinda and Frank are wasting no time. Melinda, what has happened to your dress? And Frank, we can see that a little competition goes a looooong way with you. All right, you two, your challenge starts… now!
My goodness, Melinda and Frank seem to have done away with the preliminaries altogether. Well, perhaps for them all our episodes up to this one have been a tantalizing tease. What was that, Melinda? Your mike got dislodged in all the excitement. You say you’re going to toss Frank like a Tilt-a-Whirl? I like your passion!
It appears Frank, like any good sextestant, is following his partner’s lead and using verbal cues to direct the action. “Ignite my love rocket” indeed. Neck-licking, ass-stroking, yes, they seem to be making their way through the whole Project Sexway catalogue. And they haven’t forgotten that on Project Sexway, one moment you are in, the next moment you are out, and then the next moment you are in again, and so on!
Let me reassure our audience: these two were kept apart in advance of this episode, so there’s no way they could have planned this in advance. This is one for the record books, Heidi: I think they’ve brought in every trick and technique they learned in the Acrobatics and Trapeze challenges in episode four, and their use of a tube of Project Sexway brand lubricant suggests they learned something about product placement, too.
Well, Harry, Frank and Melinda have now made use of every available surface in the studio bedroom! We are running out of time, but they don’t seem to be running out of steam. It’s going to be a long judges’ table tonight before we can tell you who will go home with the Project Sexway golden underpants.
We’ve just spent a sweaty, exquisitely painful six hours at judges’ table, and our only complaint is that it couldn’t have gone on longer. Oh, the winner? Right. We knew right away: it was a tie! Frank and Melinda will share the golden underpants and $6000 in cash and prizes!
Voiceover (fast-talking): Sign up to take the Project Sexway screen test at our website. We may be coming to a city near you! And if you have an unusual sexual proclivity, try out for the spin-off, Project Sexway All-Kink Masters!
Jessy Randall’s stories and other things have appeared or are forthcoming in Poetry, McSweeney’s, and Asimov’s. Her most recent book is Suicide Hotline Hold Music, a collection of poems and comics. She is a librarian at Colorado College and her website is http://bit.ly/JessyRandall.
(Previous BAD SEX story: Marlene Dietrich is wearing your clitoris by Daniel Roy Connelly)
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(Picture by Kaylin Idora)